Guilt

I wrote this a few days ago because, as I was discussing with my friend once, I thought there were two things that drove the world (I only think this way when I'm sad anyways) - guilt and greed. I might be a greedy person, but the one thing that dominates me is guilt.

I feel guilty about EVERYTHING. It's not an exaggeration. Sometimes I feel bad for eating, for breathing, for living in a house - yes, they're all essential things for living. And I feel guilty. It's not 'I feel bad', it's 'I feel guilty'. But most of the time, I feel guilty for who I am, for what I do, for things I say and things that I don't.
It's pretty bad too - it can physically stress me out and physically stress my heart. Sometimes it makes me cry until I fall asleep. It's not often that it's that bad though - only if something awful happens.

My brother once told me 'why don't you ever say 'no'?' And the reason - guilt. My dad told me 'the one thing that's very bad about you is that you will do anything for anyone because you won't say no'. And I feel BAD about that. When my sister tells me 'if they're your friend, they won't care if your present is late' but that's not why I stress out so much about getting presents done on time - it's because I know how guilty I'll feel if I don't get it done on time. My other brother told me 'if you've got an advantage, don't try to level out the field just because you feel bad' but he doesn't know just how much guilt I carry by running with an advantage. Maybe it's no longer an advantage.

It's the reason why I don't ever want someone to buy me something - EVER. It's why I hate myself - well partly. It's why I also love myself. It's the reason why I snap at people. It's why I always apologize. It's why I'm always in the wrong. And it sucks - I don't ever want anyone to feel guilt the way I do.

It's just something I carry with me always, and it's something that I don't know how to fix. Maybe I'm exaggerating it in my head and all of it's in my head, but I don't even know when or how it started, it's just always been with me.

And I'm done letting that out. I just wanted to let it out.

P.S. I don't know if any advice would work, or if I would take it - so don't worry about leaving a note or anything.